"Help For Staying Happily Married" - Dr. Vander Warner, Jr.

"Help For Staying Happily Married"

1 Peter 3:1-12
Preached by Dr. Vander Warner, Jr. at Beaverdam Baptist Church
May 5, 2002

Marriage is designed to be the closest, most intimate relationship known to man. It is possible for persons to get to know each other better in marriage than any other relationship, therefore; by its very nature is susceptible to more and deeper problems than any other relationship.

Here are some (not all) suggestions for happiness in marriage. I have taken four words from Bruce Larson’s book, Marriage Is For Living, which he calls the four stands of the rope holding marriage together. Dr. Williard Hardy, Jr, in His Needs Her Needs only adds “financial support.”
I have wrapped some of the Biblical principles of the marriage relationship found in 1 Peter 3 around those four words.

1. Communication
a. Before marriage – take off some of your masks – be real. I don’t mean let it all hang out! 3:3,4 the lasting adornment is the inner adornment.

b. After marriage – be willing to talk. Pay whatever price is necessary to talk openly (3:10). While this verse is a word about speaking with care and truth, it applies to what I am saying as well.
Sometimes it means letting the other person talk. Listen to their words. (3:7) Their words may not be yours. Find words that a clear to both of you.

* A couple ought not go to sleep angry with one another. One couple said they never went to bed mad…..of course there was one 3 month period they didn’t go to bed!
You don’t need yesterdays griviences in today!

Letting each other know where you really are…what you really feel and need…open, clear, non-destructive, seeking peace….i.e. send peace seeking missiles NOT search and destroy…

RULES FOR CONSTRUCTIVE CONFLICT

When two people hold two varying or opposite opinions an issue emerges.
This can result in constructive conflict.

1. Should be thoughtful discussion not heated argument. Should be positive and creative.
[ If emotions get strong do a time out….Pray….Affirm each other and continue or postpone.]
2. Should be directed toward goal of allowing all participants to feel they are on the winning side.
3. There should be sensitivity to the personhood of each individual….therefore no personal attacks nor acts destructive to personality.
4. Debate should be logical and reasonable…helpful and useful in this discussion.
5. Motivated by high ethical and moral standards.
[Not trying to undermine someone, but find an enlightened answer.]
6. A willingness to hear…really hear…what the other person is saying…and interpret it from his point of view. If you are surprised at the way she sees it…ask why she feels that way.
7. Do everything possible to reach a mutually satisfactory solution.

TESTS

a. Do we come out at a higher level than we went in?
b. Success in marriage is not due to the absence of problems, but in the ability to handle them helpfully as they arise.
c. Can we ask Jesus to bless our conclusion?



2. Commitment
a. Marriage is the great compromise. It is more giving than getting…Those who insist on “rights” rather than privileges or responsibilities are headed for disaster.

The vows mean you are actually taking the responsibility
for the other persons happiness and well being.

b. Unreserved commitment: “I give thee myself…till death us do part.”
Scratch that from marriage and you scratch one of the
greatest motivations to work through problems.

(Woman)1Pet 3:1 “Be in subjection to for their sakes”…LL “fit in with your husbands plans.”

(Man) 3:7 “giving honor to….i.e. deference to.”

SO Its “submit to” on the one hand and “defer to” on the other…..A woman submitting to the man she loves who is receiving honor from him. Both are giving….and both receiving….And no one is put upon.
(EPH 5:21 Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.)

3. Understanding 1 Peter 3:8… “Be pitiful”, ie be “understanding”
(1) Standing under the other’s load…see from where she/he stands.
(2) Knowledge of family background will prepare for possible conflict in values.
*Emphasis on eating in my first wife’s home….very little in mine.
(3) Be willing to wonder what is the good reason for the action. The Bible says true love “thinketh no evil”. Try to see what is happening from the other’s point of view
Be realistic not personalistic….(i.e. not having to have your way all the time)
(4) Pray for love that always presents the other to the imagination with favor.

The love that covers a multitude of sins, short comings, and differences
*Like the differences of Winnie and me in preparing to leave home.
(I like a scalded dog, she like a freight train pulling out)

4. Grace...unmerited but not unneeded favor.
For example: unreluctant, unhesitating forgiveness.

3:11 Seek peace and pursue it.

b. “Loves covers a multitude of sin…” To truly love a person is to love him above and beyond all his virtues and vices.

**Man in Pocomoke…crying at my door before 8:00am. Wife had, in a moment of temptation,
yielded to the pursuit of a man in the next apartment. She was stricken with remorse.

I asked, “Can you forgive her?…” “I believe I can.” He choked out.
I almost believe he was sorry for her…that’s Understanding, Pity, grace...

Many years have gone by. I saw them once years later happier, healthier, and busier than ever for the Lord.

In Jesus I can do anything….

Get Jesus in the marriage early……some-while before you say your vows is best..